You know, it's funny...I was just posting a similar thought process of my own on a different tribe. About my negative experiences dating bi women, and how they've made me renew my resolve not to let a bi women be my primary again...the difference here is that I would never turn around and say that bi women disgust or repel me...just that my own emotional safety comes first.

The difference is that I didn't end it by condemning bi women or the fact that they date men, which is how your original statement reads toward poly folk.

Poly wasn't for you...and it IS very difficult, requires a lot of energy, extreme honesty, a VERY good consciousness of one's own boundaries, and the ability to enforce them. So, even people who really want to pursue it sometimes have a very hard time in a culture that raised them to be monogamous, and which left them "walking wounded" for the relationship model that otherwise would work for them...not to mention providing absolute ZERO valdation that you can be both poly and a good person as well. It creates guilt over being who you are and needing what you need.

Sound familiar? If so, it's because polyamory is now where homosexuality was 20 years ago, bisexuality was 15 years ago, and where transgenders were 5-10 years ago: JUST starting to get any kind of recognition as existing and any kind of serious consideration. Gays had Jody on "Soap" in the late '70s...Poly folk have "Big Love" now (and that's even Mormon™-brand polygamy! Oyyy...). Remember how all the lesbian pulp novels ended sadly...and unfortunately, so did a lot of lesbian relationships, back in the day? Well........

Just think about it.

Everbody has their experiences.

I'm the first to admit that "the poly lifestyle"* makes me highly uncomfortable. I see my discomfort as simply a psychological reaction to seeing something that's not for me...like, REALLY not for me as I have serious "cheatin' spouse"/jealousy issues.

*For lack of a better way of putting it.

<<And I stand by my previous statment, even if it's unpopular. It's my opinion and last I checked we were all entitled to one. >>

You are welcome to your opinion, just as I'm welcome to say if you take your statement a step further into a generalization about the poly community it is totally presumptuous and illogical. ;)

Granted, looking back at your statement: "Actually I find that most of the Poly Lesbians(sic) I've met really wouldn't have been Poly if they had a real choice or really truely(sic) loved the person they were with." I will give you that you are not making a generalization about all lesbians who are poly, only the ones whom you have met, which may or may not be a representative population sample.

<< Whoa gals the last time I checked this was a Dyke tribe if you two are gonna go on a Poly for everyone rant>>

Whoa there yourself, Summer. Re-read my post. If you think I'm on some sort of "Poly for everyone" rant, then I suspect you didn't read it at all. Maybe I should be the one who is offended.

It was not my intention to "gang up" on you, especially with another tribester whom I've never met. I simply saw your comments as illogical and presumptuous. They could have been aimed at any other lifestyle or orientation and I would have said the same thing.

Again, in case I wasn't absolutely clear in my other post, I can completely understand having adverse reactions to certain subgroups because of bad personal experiences with members of said subgroups. Like I said before, poly makes me VERY uncomfortable because of my _own_ issues with relationships and my _own_ trust issues. I know, because of my _own_ issues, prejudices and proclivities, that poly is something that's totally not for me. Even though I have discomfort with the subject, I have several friends who seem to be quite happy with a primary partner and a secondary partner. On one level, I see that and boggle because the scared, hurt part of me just cannot grok. On another level, I see that and say "hey, if it works for him/her, then I'm happy.

Even though it's not for me and I feel a level of discomfort about the subject, I refuse to go on an anti-poly campaign. I absolutely refuse to make generalizations about people in the poly community, just as I refuse to make serious generalizations about any other community/culture/religion/orientation/lifestyle choice. To me, it sounds like *you* are the one on a crusade.

<<As I said, the people I've met were only Poly because some man they were with wanted it that way. >>

That truly sucks and I feel sorry for those women. The women I know who are poly are not like this. They are poly because it's how they are, period. I would suspect that the women you know would allow themselves to be molded into some other pattern if their partner willed it so. It just so happens that their partners want them to fuck women too. Is that truly poly or is that her simply fucking women for his pleasure?

<<All I know is that it's NOT For me and I'm offended greatly by the way you two have ganged up on me. This was a discussion and should stay that way.>>

It's still a discussion for me, Summer. I was not attacking you and I am not attacking you. I would recommend that you take a deep breath and reread my responses.

> Whoa gals the last time I checked this was a Dyke tribe if you two are gonna go
> on a Poly for everyone rant (esp. you Sony I know you quite well acutually) then
> I suggest you two take it to annother tribe.

Do you see anywhere in any of my posts on here that poly was for everyone? (I certainly wish more women were, but that's another matter...) The only thing I took issue with was your assertion that all women in poly relationships were either being forced to or they just weren't in love enough with their partners. It's like the old bumper sticker about abortion..."Against poly relationships? Don't have one!" Just don't try to tar those of us who are poly.

And, since we're talking about our experiences as poly dykes (and, last I checked, this was called "Dykes" tribe and not "Dykes who only talk about monogamous lesbian dating practices" tribe and you're not the moderator), we're plenty within the scope of this tribe.

> And I really regreat that you have this "Agenda" Sony. As for putting me in the
> Jesus Freak category, you know nothing of me and my experiances.

What agenda? Wanting poly to be seen as "just another lifestyle choice", and as valid as any other? Is that the "poly agenda" of which you speak? Or are you afraid I'm trying to "recruit"? I'm not saying you're a "jesus freak" at all, but that your arguments do bear a certain resemblance to certain other arguments I know we've all heard about our sexuality.

As for your experiences with or around polyamory, I'm sorry that they were bad ones...and poly ISN'T for everyone. If it were, everyone would be doing it.

(Total aside: I am NOT a consumer electronics company already...yeesh...stupid Tribe for truncating my name in such a crappy way!)

> As for "only knowing my experiances" that's true. As I said, the people I've met
> were only Poly because some man they were with wanted it that way.

And I've experienced women being poly DESPITE the wishes of the men or other women in their lives...YMMV, after all. The experiences of the women you've known sound awful. But you're the one being closed-minded if you think that that's the only scenario under which poy exists. If that were true, it wouldn't be such a growing movement, especially among women.

> I've never met a REAL woman who was as in to Poly as you are Sony. Maybe there is something in that....

Ooo...an ad hom against me for being born wrong...can you say "cheap shot"? I knew you could.

Just because you can't believe something thanks to your own internal mono wiring, you have to assume that the only reason a woman could be as poly as I is that she wasn't born a woman. *shakes head*

Would you like me to introduce you to some? Why do I expect the answer to be "no"?

> All I know is that it's NOT For me and I'm offended greatly by the way you two have ganged up on me.
> This was a discussion and should stay that way.

Be offended if you like...frankly, I don't care.

The fact of the matter is that this WAS a polite discussion until you were so dismissive and inflammatory toward poly folk that even a fellow mono grrl stood up to say "Now, hang on a minute..." because her own experiences of poly women(-born-women, no less) contradict your own. And we were both nice about it to start with, as well. (Beth is still being nice about it, but you've got my back up, so I'm done with the "nice".)

Never mind that the tread which gave birth to this thread was one of a GG woman asking where she could find more poly lesbians around here. Clearly, that's what she wants for herself, and as a lesbian, there's no man "making her do it".

Don't be such a poly-phobe just because polyamory isn't for you!

I'm bisexual, and I know that it's a strike against me with many lesbians, but I had to say something here.

I'm also poly. There are some things that my husband just can't give me. I'm really sorry that you and some of the others here have had bad experiences. I hear from lesbians that I'm bad because I am unable to make myself choose between men and women! I can no more choose to be gay or straight than a lesbian can decide she will be with men the rest of her life. I'm just not wired that way.

I can most certainly respect that not everyone is poly! I'm not campaigning for anyone to become poly, or for anyone who is poly to become monogamous.

What worries me is the divisive nature of the thread. It seems that it's become an us-against-them thing. It reminds me of the religious right's arguements for the "defense of marriage." They seem to feel that straight marriages are somehow threatened and weakened by same-sex marriage.

There are so many dividing factors now that it hurts me to see them added to in such an angry way. I'm sure that it's ok to disagree, but attacking each other for the differing ways of life (for lack of a better term) is not helpful to anyone.